Wilder Geese Chase

In order to prevent violent people from inflicting violence, controversial MP Wilder Geert has been chased out of the country. BBC link. Other bad foreigners who are to be banned from UK entry in similar legislation:

1. PJ O'Rourke. His book was known to cause extreme offence to all devotees of the lord David Icke. He won't be allowed any nearer than Lizard Point.

2. Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin. Controversial astronaut. It is rumoured that he has evidence that the earth is round. This has caused extreme offence to the National Flat Earth Society, and he will be stopped at all ports.

3. John Barrowman. Apparently he is gay. There must be some religious people who find this deeply offensive.

4. Daniel Dennett. He writes books that are a bit complicated. This is deliberate provocation of the large and respected national society of idiots.

5. Raymond Blanc. In an act of deliberate provocation to followers of the holy Brian, he publicly humiliated (and ate) a snail. Sick. And sacrilege.

These people are dangerous. Foreign Secretary David Willi-banned said: "We have profound commitment to freedom of speech, but we are also bloody scared."

B of the Bang

Councils in the UK are often sued for frivolous, even dishonest reasons. Examples here.

But in an almost literal reversal of fortune, the makers of a supposedly dangerous sculpture this week paid over a million pounds in compensation to Manchester City Council. Story here.

Now I have noticed something similar in my own home town, and I'm wondering who I can sue. Admittedly it took many years to be constructed up to its full height, but now it is equally tall and equally threatening. Bits seem to fall off it every year. It seems to inspire strange yobbish behaviour. It's probably of foreign build - up in Scandinavia I've seen lines of similar sculptures stretching for vast distances.

Oh, it's a christmas tree.

My Most Embarrassing Moment

Celebrity interviews often ask that. I am no celebrity, but I do comment on the pathetic banality of celebrity interviews.

I was at a sports centre where we played five-a-side football. After the game I took off my kit and glasses, picked up my towel and stepped out of the changing room which had one door leading out to the shower area and another back out to the gym's reception. Obviously (because otherwise I would not be writing this) I stepped through the wrong door.

It's perfectly true, as a few colleagues from the football team and a slightly shocked receptionist can testify. But it was not really embarrassing, even at the time, it was just funny. However it is one of those anecdotes that is easy to regurgitate if ever asked to "reveal your most embarrassing moment".

Actually real embarrassment is when you simply say slightly the wrong thing in a social situation, the premise of the best British comedy of the decade. Real embarrassment is not when you make an honest mistake, it is when you do accidentally reveal a personal prejudice. But you don't admit to those.

The Ministry of Silly Games

The Olympics continue to ask plenty of questions for our brave athletes. As always, Monty Python continues to provide answers.

I understand the point of a competition to determine who can run the fastest or jump the highest or swim the fastest - but the ministry of silly games has decided that just seeing who is quickest across water from one bank to the other does not give enough scope for lanky Americans to pile up the medals. So we have backstroke and breaststroke and butterflystroke and sidestroke and sunstroke and heatstroke.

But this is unfair on athletics, the original olympic sport. We have various distances but only two basic kinds of track race, "freestyle" and "silly walk". There needs to be another race where you run backwards. Another race where you run with your legs splayed out to the side. Another race where you run, in honour of John Cleese, in full "goose-step" style and you are disqualified unless your leg stays perfecty straight reaching up at least to shoulder height on each step.

That's what they do in the pool. Alternatively, ditch the silly walks and return to olympic ideals.

Undiversification

Prosody. That's the word I was looking for. Back when I referred to the "unique sound of a language". Back when I said that I prefer my name to be pronounced differently depending upon the language being used at the time.

Mark Liberman attempts to quantify it at the oft-quoted Language Log, which is also the place to go if you want to debunk crazy theories that English needs to replicate the rules of Latin grammar.

According to Not the Nine o Clock News, the hardest words to say in English are Kinda Lingers. I suggest that a cunning linguist could do better.

Saving Daylight Time

I was going to write about this in a couple of days, I've mentioned the subject before, but I'm so happy with what happened last night that I'm writing now.

The clocks went forward last night. Or was it this morning? Anyway, it's fantastic news. Thanks to the genius who suggested this idea, we now get a whole extra hour of daylight. Everybody loves daylight. So nobody has anything to complain about.

In fact, why lose the hour again in October? Why don't they just move the clocks forward again in preparation for Winter. Then we'd save daylight in Winter too. And next March, we can save another hour by moving forward again. Just keep this up for a few years, and we'd have twenty four hours of daylight every day. How cool would that be?

Korbo Lorbo Jitbo

Some people, including serious cricket commentators, think that the Indian Premier League is a joke. Some of the bidders were clearly having a laugh. But I just learned (thanks Esh) that my home town team is really going for it. They have been named the Kolkata Knight Riders.

Brilliant. In cricket more than in other team sports, one man can make a difference. And we can expect plenty of puns about cricket kitt.

The team colours are black and gold, because "black is the colour of goddess Kali and we aim for gold". Coincidence? Bangladesh got in first with the tiger moniker, but we just happen to use the tiger's colours.

It gets better. The mascot is a tiger, and they have named it "Hoog Lee". Sounds like a tough-talking kung-fu name - for those who don't know the river upon which Kolkata is located.

And a team anthem has been composed. The title words are in it. In English they translate to "I'll do it, I'll fight, I'll win". It's what Caesar would have said before "veni, vidi, vici". After season one of the ICL, I predict Korechi Lorechi Jitechi.

A Wish Called Fonda

What ties my recent posts with classic English silliness with great literature with liberal politics with recently viewed movies?

Fierce Creatures - about a killing at a zoo. A wonderful under-appreciated film, the essential follow-up to another ex-python masterpiece. Links to a classic book.

Splitting Heirs - this should have been another classic. Is the UK monarchy fundamentally different from the Indian caste system?

Free Willy - a great sentient beast spared from a life of captivity. A nob joke. And another classic book.

Pinocchio - compared to X-factor finalists like puppets strung along by the real talent.

A Knight's Tale - I did say this would start getting personal.

But all this proves is that the answer to nearly everything is in Monty Python.

Why Germany Lost the War

Shock Horror Exception - one of those circulating email pictures is posted here …

And though I just received the email, and was pleased to receive it, this joke has probably been circulating in one form or another for about sixty years.

Excuses. Firstly, it has been a very long time, months, since the last image posted here. Secondly, maybe it's more effective distribution to be viewed on a site like this rather than individually sent out to lots of people. Thirdly, I can see there might be generic socio-political points to be drawn from it. Fourthly, it just tickled me.

And the value added, what I think it needs is a conclusion…

so I suggest that Stone beats Scissors … Fight the Power :)

The dyslexic Belgian

Last night I went to see the comedian and if.comedy.award finalist Paul Sinha give another preview performance of the show he is presenting next month at the Edinburgh Festival. I cannot really give an objective review - my parents have known his parents for forty years and we were part of the same little community in South London in the 1970s. So I'll just say the show was bloody excellent ;)

The title of the show is "king of the world", not a grand analysis of global empires, but reflections on those brief instants when you've just pointed out something funny that no-one else had noticed or got a little personal compliment, and just for a second you felt absolutely untouchable.

My thought for the day - I think everybody has those moments. We all have new and strange experiences every single day. But the main difference between the good comic, or the good blogger, and everyone else, is that they store that little nuance and share it with the world - most of us just grin and move on.

Time for me to grin and move on.