Morse

Catching up on Lewis recently. Just reminded of how almost perfect have been the works of Colin Dexter, in particular the world of Detective Chief Inspector Endeavour Morse.
The photography in the TV series is consistently stunning too, though it does give a very narrow view of the town. Of course those streets and squares have very specific and personal memories for me, but even without that link I think I'd love it.
Morse is just the right blend of deeply conservative intellectual and deeply iconoclastic misfit that I think makes an ideal TV detective. The cryptic crosswords are an added delight.
However, one flaw, or at least one limitation, means this will never match my favourite. It is such a shame that the basic plot every time is simply that old chestnut the whodunnit. So the story involves bringing in a series of characters and at the end what a surprise the least likely one did it. Boring.
That is why a certain dishevelled lieutenant from Los Angeles remains number one for me.

Alan Sugar Gregory House

There are big issues in the real world, not everybody can afford the property that they would like, not everybody can afford the food that they would like, but let's retreat briefly to the unreal world of television. There are not many shows that I watch, at the moment only two with any regularity - I've mentioned both before, but have just realised that they are basically the same.

House Series Four. Apprentice Series Three. A gruff autocratic leader, maverick methods, terse gravelly put-downs, needs a shave. Character is defined as cold and rational and ruthless, only the results count. Has undoubted ability, a worldwide reputation, but only two confidants who really trust him, one man and one woman. A dozen candidates on an extended on-the-job interview. Evaluation tasks seem fairly random and unrelated to the desired criteria. Apparently decent candidates seem to lose out due to no fault of their own. Petty personal squabbles in the team seem a source of amusement. Attitude: the world is tough, there is no other, deal with it.

But one key difference. House is usually right.

Edinburgh Falls

Unlike yesterday, for an example of how an Edinburgh-based writer could have written something that does respect true detective traditions, I suggest Ian Rankin. And in particular, the one-off TV movie called Reichenbach Falls.

Despite the title, it was set in Edinburgh and the plot was embedded in the city. But obviously (given that title) it is as much a tribute to Sherlock Holmes as is House MD. But it's also almost a time-shifting historical fantasy, and it's clear that I like those.

From what I recall, it did have the gritty realism that was missing from the Botswana story. It also had a suitably convoluted plot and twists to the bitter end. And it might even have had some boobs too.

My House in Africa

I really wanted to like the No 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (BBC1, Sunday) , it being, as it turned out, Anthony Minghella's final throw of the dice. But I failed miserably, as I once did with the book.

Those words were actually from the TV Review in today's Guardian, but they could have been mine. The reviewer was harsh, he called it twee, quaint, shallow, possibly patronising.

It's Heartbeat, basically, relocated to Botswana, a beautiful African country where smiley happy people, cardboard cut-out characters, go about their business with good humour, hard work, morality and diligence.

I've never seen this Heartbeat thing, but I used to live in southern Africa, and I think the basic sentiment of the review was that the show did not really reflect the harsh reality of life there. I actually have no issue with that. My issue was the lack of "detection". The "cases" were all pathetically easy. It was more style than substance.

The author, Alexander McCall Smith, is an expert in both law and medicine, he could have included so much more. He is now resident in Edinburgh, home of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Holmes would be turning in his grave.

Wasted Talents

When comparing the composition of blog sites to basic chemistry, I suggested that the ideal would be something like DNA - a limited number of threads, perhaps just two, but intrinsically linked together and able to produce the most complex developments from the most basic patterns.

One example of this was the wholy book. It has sold thousands of copies, it should have sold billions.

But I have just been reminded of a second example. One that, like this blog, only a handful of people will have read. I refer to the epic that was Wasted. A terse detective story in the style of Philip Marlowe, and yet also somehow a dense historical allusion in the style of Christopher Marlowe. Hidden crossword clues and cipher codes. Online components tied in with real books and papers. Virtual worlds and real treasures. A work of genius.

It was an example of an armchair treasure hunt organised annually by employees of a large IT service provider. In their spare time. If only they made systems that good.

Tort for the Day

Yesterday I noted that my drive home often spans the 6:30 pm comedy slot on Radio 4. On this special day, it is worth noting that my morning drive also spans a comedy slot. 7:45 am.

Staying holistic, the Agency has many of the qualities of the mighty religious tomes. It is full of strange imagery and weird anecdotes that could easily be quoted out of context to justify almost anything. It suggests how life started and how it could end. It has an elusive "hero" whose background is mysterious but whose achievements are legendary.

However it just missed out. To become a great sacred text rather than a great novel, the book needed only two more sentences within it:

1. Everything contained herein is true - it is divine revelation and absolutely not a work of fiction

2. Thou shalt propagate this message - attempts to resist or mock are blasphemy and will not be tolerated

And then find some monks or monkeys who would fall for those lines. If only DNA had included those instructions …

The Wholy Book

My drive home from the client often spans the 6:30 to 7 "comedy" slot on BBC Radio 4. For the last six weeks, concluding yesterday, they have been playing the adaptation of, in my opinion, the finest novel ever written.

But the adaptation did not really work for me. The hero sounded more like a Harry Enfield character than the mysterious East-European that I remembered from the book.

The book is inexplicable anyway. It is a murder mystery, a ghost story, an exercise in philosophy, an English textbook, a discussion of religion, an historical novel, a magical tour. It covers the history of the world from the primordial slime of 4 billion years ago through Coleridge and Bach to quantum physics.

But I hope the novel is just a tiny bit like this blog. It is about detection. It is about finding incredibly simple answers to incredibly complicated questions. It is about a thousand different subjects. But somehow they all tie together. Just like the methods used inside it, the book itself is holistic.

However, unlike Dirk Gently, this blog is not going to save all life on this planet. And if it were to, I would invoice a lot more than he did :)

It's a kind of magic

I like magic. Depending upon the scale of the illusion, a good magician is a good actor or a good director.

The actual mechanics of tricks are usually fairly obvious to anyone who thinks through them like an engineer. They rely on science and common sense. I am not going to explode the Magic Circle if I say that various combinations of sleight of hand, drapes, mirrors and misdirection account for most illusions. But we do not need to dissect every one in detail, because instead we can just enjoy the show.

Those who claim that their magic is powered by supernatural or paranormal ability are not magicians. They are cheats, liars, fraudsters, and worse. Those who claim to communicate individually with your dead relatives are not only liars but evil vultures.

But an honest magician is just putting on an act. And the good magician, like the good actor, can make you briefly forget about reality … or make you think that the marketing message was really targeted just for you.

Rogue Traders

The Office of Fair Trading has many functions of the US Department of Justice, it exists to protect the consumer from anti-competitive or fraudulent behaviour.

On a smaller scale, there are plenty of televsion programmes in which fraudsters and con artists are exposed. Often it's a cross between extortion and theft, so a harsher term than hustler is probably needed. These people exploit victims who are confused and vulnerable.

Typical scam, point to a loose tile on the roof or a damp patch on the wall, warn about tremendous potential damage unless hundreds of pounds of remedial work is performed as soon as possible. The victim is initially scared, but the problem is fixed, the money is paid, and the victim feels better. We see even swifter results if the initial diagnosis was ridiculously overblown or maybe just a simple lie, then no real work at all needs to be done, but the victim can still pay their money and then be reassured that the house is structurally safe (again). The hustler gets his money and the victim feels better. Great?

But those cowboys practise theft and extortion. They should be locked up.

Swap victim's house for victim's health in this story. Would you care for some "alternative" medicine or "complementary" therapy?

Working in your footsteps

Part of my job is to be the guy who minds busy intersections, critically there to prevent accidents and to direct the traffic, but the more unobtrusive that one can be there then the smoother the process will flow. Ideally I should be barely noticed but people should still end up getting where they need to go, and then wonder how they got there so quickly.

Another major part of my job is to be a detective, called in when things go wrong to try to find out the cause. This is probably the most difficult part; needing the most experience, the most application, and the most rational thinking in the face of irrational pressures.

There is also a small part that needs to be the enforcer, hauling people up to face the consequences of their actions.

Of course I'm not in the police.

From houses to holmes

Hugh Laurie stars in a TV show, he looks like a doctor but it is a well documented fact that he is basically following in the tradition of Columbo and Poirot and Morse and CSI. And I was reminded that there is something great about detective shows.

I don't pretend to watch these shows to try to figure out the crime before the detective does. It is just entertainment. But the entertainment only works because the process works - unless the writer can provide enough rational steps to the conclusion, the viewer will feel cheated.

Basically, as Grissom keeps saying, it's all about evidence. These shows all have the same formula, but there is infinite variety. There is always something incredible, something that defies explanation, something that might have been caused by some supernatural freak occurrence. But there was none.

There is always a logical explanation. Yes the final explanation can be complicated and tortuous and involve the strangest aspects of our fleshy bodies and animal desires. But ultimately the answers are all in there.